my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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