She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
