High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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