HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize