I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
