it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
