Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
