we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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