took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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