If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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