i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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