It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
