dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
