The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
