Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
