i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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