i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
