make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize