I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Rumble strips road head = magical
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
