i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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