I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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