I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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