I never want to see another naked old woman again.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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