Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
