My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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