I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
