i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
