yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
