toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize