I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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