I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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