did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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