Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
