do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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