last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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