i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
where am i from again
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My life is pants optional.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
