I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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