One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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