On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
im on a boat
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