I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
