So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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