he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
