A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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