Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
