Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
