i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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