I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
