someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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