just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
