Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We need to get me chipped asap
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
