I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
