he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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