Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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