I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and she was petting her beer can
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
