i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
