I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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