my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
