God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
