i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
