I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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